One of the most important things we focus on during our work together is to teach you how to expand your emotional range. This is the range of feelings you allow yourself to have, and to show without judgement, thereby giving you the ability to ‘feel more’, and think/judge less.

Why’s that important? Because otherwise the effort of avoidance makes life painful, stressful or conversely, almost completely numb/flat… and lets face it, none of these options are particularly attractive prospects.

All pain and discomfort, including numbness, is born from a resistance to accepting the feeling of something.

Through social and familial conditioning, either consciously or unconsciously, we have been made to judge any number of our feelings as wrong or bad and therefore pushed them away to sit in the dark recess of our minds, becoming what we refer to as ‘shadows’. The term shadow is given because typically we are unaware of these qualities we have inside us, noticing them only in others, and only having others notice them in us.

When we notice our condemned feeling being expressed in others, we often get quite a strong reaction to it… becoming ‘triggered’ which is the feeling you get when a surge of adrenaline rushes through your body. You might feel like you need to defend yourself or even attack the perpetrator, even if you don’t really understand why. Blood rushes through your body as it gets tighter and more constricted ready to pounce or run, and we feel angry, disgusted or scared.

This might seem a ridiculous state of affairs to the logical mind, but the logical mind is not in control at this point. The unconscious amygdala part of the brain has taken over for a bit 😉 All we recognise (even if only unconsciously at this moment) is that someone else is displaying behaviours and emotions that we have unknowingly disowned in ourselves and they must be stopped or we must get away from them quickly.

It’s not always the more serious/denser feelings like anger, jealousy etc, but can be the more benign and sweet ones too… for example showing our physical beauty, being sensual, or even just being happy can be deemed ‘wrong’ in some circles.

One of the first things to happen once you learn to accept and integrate your ‘forbidden’ emotion (after immense feelings of peace) is that you lose the strength of the judgement of that emotion, or you lose the judgement altogether. Therefore, instead of being annoyed by seeing someone expressing what was forbidden in yourself, you either feel compassion, or feel oddly humorous in the face of it. Rather like you do when you look at a child doing something you once did that serves no purpose for you now. A further benefit is you will rarely attract the behaviour or person into your space anymore… and this feels incredibly liberating and freeing. Just imagine all those things you currently judge and loathe, just not bothering you anymore…

So how do you get to accept and integrate something that you currently feel so appalled by? Well it is a process we complete together, however the crux is that you are helped to bring all judgements into the light of your awareness. You are helped to see how each forbidden emotion was made wrong, and you are led on a journey of forgiveness and acceptance until quite literally you feel your body relax into compassion for the behaviour, for yourself and for anyone who displays it.

Lets look at some examples of shadow emotions:

So what if your ‘shadow’ or disowned emotion is jealousy… why would you accept that behaviour in yourself? After all, everyone says jealousy is a terrible thing don’t they? so how could you possibly accept that in yourself.

Firstly, you cannot disown parts of yourself and ever be truly happy. If you feel an emotion, you can either acknowledge it, letting it breathe so it can release itself in a more controlled and healthy way, or you can be hijacked by it, by repressing which will end up making it come out more destructively (to you or others) later. There is no 3rd choice anyone has come across.

The beauty about our shadow emotions/behaviours is that there is always a gift in there when you turn the volume down a bit. So what is the gift with jealousy? Well jealousy can teach you many things…

Jealousy, in and of itself, can be the driving force to help you achieve your dreams/desires. It can also highlight how much someone/something means to you so you can choose to put more healthy focus on/more importance on it. Another gift is that if expressed in a healthy and contained way, it can make a person (who is on the receiving end of your jealousy) feel wanted, desired and valued. It can also highlight unhealthy attachments to things, perhaps linked to a lack of worthiness which when given space to be released and accepted will help you to have more self-love.

Another shadow emotion could be arrogance.

The gift of arrogance is that when you turn the volume down on it, the quieter qualities contained within are those of great leaders.. The belief someone has that they are the best at something, or that they know the best way to do something is a quality we want to see in certain situations. If you were struggling with a health condition you would want to see a Doctor who was confident in his abilities to help you. If you found yourself in an emergency crisis, most of us would be glad to seek out the help of someone who could pull order into chaos with clear ‘listen to me’ directions.

Once we have begun to see the gift in our shadows it really helps to let go of the judgement we have over it, and along with the forgiveness process, the shadow can be integrated back into ourselves in a healthy way.

Expanding our emotional range means we pull back into ourselves all of the wayward emotions/behaviours that we judged as negative, thus making us more true to ourselves, more authentic; easier to be around for others and we finally find others more enjoyable to be around too.

I’ve been thinking about how we all struggle at times with Resistance.. You know that feeling when your body starts to constrict and tense up.  Maybe you feel the tension in your jaw, shoulders, fists; the mind starts to close down at the mere thought of something you don’t want to face, you just want to run away or hide… Perhaps you might start to feel angry, frustrated, even ask people to stop looking at you.  Whatever form it takes, you just want whatever is going on in that moment to just NOT BE SO.  Well all of that is Resistance, in it’s lovely glory. And you may already know by now – what you resist – persists.

So what can you do when you are feeling that uncomfortable closed feeling of resistance, (which in itself you are probably also trying to resist)?  Well, about a year ago, friend of mine came up with an analogy about emotions being like waves in the sea and I thought it illustrates the point so well, I wanted to share it with you…albeit in my own words.

Emotions are like waves:

You know when you are out swimming in the sea and you see the ocean start to swell as a large wave starts to form? If you are anything like me, your instinct might be to panic a bit (I have a thing about Tsunami’s). You may now want to rush towards the shore, away from the wave… and as you swim away faster and faster, the wave starts to get bigger and bigger – until eventually it crashes over your head, sending you coughing and spluttering and gasping for breath. BUT, instead of running away, if you moved towards the swelling of the ocean, you would either be gently lifted up by the swell as it rolled on it’s merry way till it ran out of momentum, OR you could dive underneath the wave completely.  

Yes it’s counter-intuitive to move directly towards the thing that you fear most – but in this analogy, it is actually the fastest and easiest way to safety. Emotions are like that – when we try to turn our back’s and run, they hunt us down… we are filled with the anxious panic of not getting caught by this ‘dangerous thing’.  However, if instead, we turn and face it with our full courage, moving headlong towards it, we find instead of being over-powered by it – we are guided and lifted completely out of harms way by the very thing we feel threatens us most.

I thought it was such a great analogy as it’s so easy to picture, that I wanted to share with you and hope it may bring you comfort to keep that image in mind the next time you feel the resistance coming on. 🙂

Do you know, there are 3 types of people in the world.

The first type settles for what they have. They don’t like it, but they also don’t do anything about it.

The second type wants more out of life, they sets goals, but constantly struggle to get ahead.

And then there is the third type…..

These are the people living their dreams, the people who seem to get whatever they want, whenever they want it.

Contrary to popular belief, these people aren’t ‘special,’ They don’t have a secret the rest of us aren’t in on.

Instead, they have a skill–whether they know it or not–that makes everything possible.

The great news is, anyone can learn it. Like playing piano or riding a bike, it’s an ability you can practice and master. Once you do, your life will never be the same.

If you would like to learn how to get more out of life, coaching is definitely for you. Book yourself a free consultation for more details.

7 Ways You’re Making Personal Change Impossible:

You can have the best ideas on earth, but if you’re committing one of the sins below, chances are they’ll never be more than just that–an invisible idea.

1. Waiting for Approval

Are you waiting for someone else to say it’s ok? To say that your idea or your goal or your dream is acceptable and worth chasing? If so, you may be waiting a long, long time.

You don’t need permission to improve your life. There is no certification board that accepts or denies claims for change or achievement.

It’s up to you, as it always has been, so stop waiting for permission and just do it.

2. Listening to Others

We might not like it, but the fact is that friends and family aren’t always thrilled about our goals to improve.

Why?

Because when you stand up to reach for more, it makes it painfully clear that everyone else is still sitting down.

Most people would rather you stay put and not make them look or feel bad about their choices. Unfortunately for them, your goal in life is not to keep from rocking the boat. Your goal should be to do what is best for you and your loved ones. Not what is easy, not what is common, not what is accepted–what is best.

Stop listening to the naysayers, no matter how connected they are to you, and chase those goals.

3. Aiming Too Low

Goals have to inspire. If they’re too easy, the rewards (incentives) will be too small. And without a powerful reason to do something, we’ll do nothing.

Make sure your goals are exciting. They need to motivate you just by thinking about them and all the positives they’ll bring into your life.

Never aim too low.

4. Aiming Too High

On the other hand, if your goals are too lofty, you’ll feel overwhelmed and never act on them.

You have to find that happy medium between easy and hard, choosing goals that are challenging but also achievable.

A lot of people will actually set goals they know are impossible so they don’t have to do anything about them. They get to tell themselves they’re setting goals without having to face their fears or move forward.

Don’t be one of these people. Don’t aim too high.

5. Clinging to the Past

Just because you messed up once doesn’t mean you’re destined to mess up every time. Honestly, it doesn’t.

People work up the courage to finally act on their goals, and, when it doesn’t work the first time, they are crushed. Even the thought of trying again makes them cower in fear–they don’t want to fail again.

First, failure is part of the game. You can’t do important things without failing because important things are hard, take time, and hide from the weak-willed.

Second, failing once doesn’t mean you’ll always fail… as long as you adjust your strategy. You can’t continue doing the same things and hope for a better outcome.

You have to learn from your mistakes and make smart adjustments the second time around. Do that, and you won’t have to worry about forever repeating a painful past.

6. Waiting in Line

Are you waiting for someone else to do it first?

Stop waiting.

Yes, it’s easier to let someone create the path. Yes, it’s easier to put the burden on them, to wait for them to figure out the right way to do it.

But a happy life isn’t about easy. It’s about taking control, getting clarity, and
charging forward. Don’t follow the path; create your own.

7. Preparing Forever

This may be the most popular technique of the procrastinator. ‘Just one more book, just one more article, just one more…’

You don’t need to study for ten years before acting on your goals. You don’t even need
ten months or ten weeks.

You can do something about what you want with what you have right now. It doesn’t have to be a life-changing step forward, just a single step forward. And then another…and another…

No more analysing and no more over thinking.

Get to work. (Jason Gracia)

Having trouble reaching all your goals? Are you going for
what you want, but feeling like something is road-blocking
the way? Are you finding yourself “not” doing some of the
things you know you should be doing?

You may running a pattern of self-sabotage. How do you
know, and what can you do about it?

1. Focusing on what is not working, not right or missing
from your life.

Problem: Notice how often you speak about and think about
what is not working, not right, or missing from your life.
This only attracts more of the things you don’t want.

Action: Ask yourself a new question: “What’s going right?”
or “What IS working?” Begin to notice all the things, no
matter how small, that are working well. Keep an evidence
journal and each day write down everything, I do mean
everything, that is working and you will attract more of
what is working!

2. Being stuck in fear:

Problem: Do you worry a lot about the future and what is
going to happen or might happen? Are you thinking about your
fears so much that you are paralysed and take no action
because of fear of what might occur?

Action: It is time to put your focus on the present. We
can’t control or predict the future or other people’s
behaviors. All we can control is our own, right here, right
now.

Ask yourself the question “What is the worst thing that
could happen?” Then, let go and know that rarely do the
scenarios we create in our heads occur. Take a moment to put
things into perspective by writing down the things you can
not change, the things you want to change, and accept that
the Universe, God, Spirit, whatever you call it will take of
the rest. It always does!

3. Feeling you have no value.

Problem: Do you forget all your accomplishments and lack
pride in who you are and what you have accomplished? If you
obsess about the past or your lack of success or lack of
achievement, then you’ll be stuck in noticing how much you
lack as a person. If you often criticize yourself or can’t
accept compliments, it’s a definite sign that you have
fallen into this trap.

Action: You can choose to notice what you do that is good
and the things you can be proud of, no matter how small they
may seem. Each day keep a log of what you are grateful for
about YOU. When you hear your mind chattering about what you
haven’t done right or well, turn down the volume and turn up
the volume to hear the voice that knows the TRUTH about who
you are and how you add value to the world.

Acknowledge yourself for at least 5 things each and every
day that you did well. Each day, compliment yourself on
something you did that you feel good about. Notice your
small successes and accept the compliments others give you.

4. Comparing yourself to others.

Problem: Do you constantly compare yourself to others and
then feel badly when compared to them? Comparison doesn’t
motivate us to do more or be better, instead it makes us
feel we’ll never be good enough and we aren’t right now.

Action: Write out the 5 qualities you like best about
yourself. Then write out what you value most in your life.
When you go to a place of comparison, notice how similar you
are with the other person vs. what is different. Begin to
create a list of adjectives that describe you – at least 25
positive words about your greatness. Whenever you notice
yourself in a comparison mode, think of some of the
adjectives that describe YOU.

5. Self-Sabotage – getting what you want and then losing it.

Problem: Do you not believe that you deserve to have what
you want? When you get what you want, why do you often lose
it or mess it up? What is the true story underneath – maybe
that you think aren’t good enough to have it?

Action: List all the things you have accomplished that faded
away. Simply notice these things, but don’t place any
judgment on the fact they disappeared. How did they bring
you satisfaction? How did they make you feel? What is the
limiting belief that you have that tells you inside why you
can’t have what you want? Be quiet, be still and listen to
it.

Write down how you felt when you had what you wanted. Write
down how you feel now, without it. Then write a “bridge
belief”: A very, very small belief that feels a little bit
better than what you now feel. Each week, create a new
bridge belief, not matter how small, that you can really
believe. By using these bridges as stepping-stones, you’ll
shift your limiting beliefs slowly and be on the other side
of the bridge and able to maintain it because you will have
a new belief inside of you.

6. You chase away relationships.

Problem: Do you always feel something is missing in your
relationships or find fault with the other person? Perhaps
you are afraid of intimacy. Underneath this is usually a
fear of abandonment or exposure that causes you to distance
yourself from others.

Action: Create a list of the qualities you value in a
relationship and the qualities you want to attract in your
partners. Express what you want and don’t want to the other
person and allow them to express the same to you. Create
time to acknowledge the other person on a regular basis.
Notice when you feel afraid. Don’t try to push the feelings
away. Know that the feelings are there and that is fine.
Then, in that moment, focus on what feels good about the
relationship.

7. Having no purpose.

Problem: Do you feel you have no purpose in life? We all
have some purpose for being on the planet and it is time to
notice yours.

Action: Write down all the things that are important to you
– the thing you want to create in your life. Then write out
what you want to contribute to the world. From your writing,
create a statement of purpose for yourself that you can read
each and every day.

Then stop worrying about not knowing your purpose and start
creating what you desire now. It doesn’t matter what you
want in the future. So start creating something you want in
your life NOW. This action will ultimately put you in
alignment and bring you closer to your overall purpose.